Well, today has been a pretty awful one. At first it wasn't, but now it is, and I feel like complete crap :)
The day started off per usual, and I've spent it doing homework and getting schoolwork done. But then, I had my stupid piano lessons today, and it went horribly. I hadn't touched my piano since my last lesson, which was 2 weeks ago. I'm already god awful at piano in general, so those two things aren't a good combo (who would've thought...) I spent the entire lesson playing awfully... It was like I hadn't played piano at all in my life, even though I've been "playing" for about 8 years.
Going back to the very beginning of my piano journey, I didn't even want to play piano, but my mom has been forcing me to have lessons. My first lesson went awful too. I was either nine or ten. I had the meanest teacher, who expected me to know everything, and was extremely nasty toward me, and my brother, who has also been having lessons alongside me. She definitely contributed a lot to my hatred of piano today. I had her up until 2021. Then, I got my current teacher, who is just pretty annoying in general. But today, he was pretty mean.
During my horrific playing, and repetitive directions, probably out of frustration, he said "did you turn your brain off today?" That hurt me a lot. Yeah I get it, I haven't practiced for weeks, I don't practice in general as I don't like/hate piano, and I'm acting as if I have a mental disorder slowing me down, but he didn't have to outright say it like that... I spent the rest of the lesson silently crying, and staying quiet, not saying much but a few one word answers here and there. When I out of my lessons, I honestly cried some more, but then It turned into anger, and I had the urge to just smash the keys on my piano, but I didn't.
His words really didn't help with my hatred of piano, in fact, it has contributed to it. I had plans of finally giving piano another chance, and I was going to fully relearn music theory, make an effort to practice more, and I was even going to try and play one of my favorite song, but his words just made me not want to do any of that. I'm not going to do any of that, at least not right now. My hatred of piano has gotten worse. It's a combination of my mom forcing me to have lessons, my teachers, how hard in general piano is, and my awful skills. I'm just not good at piano, and that's not me being dramatic. I'm very bad at it. I'm Instrumentally illiterate. I literally succeed in every other aspect of my schooling, except for piano! I cannot read notes (it just doesn't register in my mind), and I have a hard time remembering music theory. I've been writing in the note names for every piece I've played for years. I've only been able to play a sheet of music without writing in the notes a few times, and that was a while ago.
I feel a bit better about it all now that I'm ranting about it and getting it out of my system, but I'm still pretty sad and pissed at both myself, my teacher, and the instrument itself lol. I also took my meds (anti-depressants & anemia treatment) pretty late today, and i think that had something to do with my exceptionally awful playing and slowness today. When I take my meds late, I'm drowsy and a bit out of it cognitively, which results in my having a hard time listening to absorbing information/directions.
Later, I'm gonna sit with my thoughts, and really think about where I want to go with piano. I still hate it, but I want to figure out if I do want to give it another chance and possibly become genuinely good at it, because honestly, I do want to play the keyboard or keytar! You'd have to learn the fundamentals on the actual piano first though... And all of it is just music theory and boring ass songs you have to add to your repertoire and practice constantly. I don't care that they're historical/classical pieces, they're lame as hell. No whimsy or happiness. Just straight melancholy, and they're hard to play! Bit of a side tangent, but I hate classical music as well with a passion. I loathe it actually.
Anyway, I got all of that out my system... To end on a more positive note, this adorable German Shepard came to my house while I was outside the other day. He was so friendly and sweet! Just the cutest thing ever! I think he was lost since he had a collar on. I gave him some water since he was panting, but I'm pretty sure he was both thirsty and happy, because he didn't stop panting xD. He kept leaving and then coming back too lol. But he did leave after a while. That dog has been the highlight of my week ^w^
I'm gonna go and try to get my final cosmetology course done. I can't wait till its over. I never want to go into hairstyling, that's for sure. Also today's Friday, so that's also something positive! I'll also start working on either my beat it piano shirt, or my Michael bangya trunk during the weekend if I don't go anywhere. I've also been more into Sandwich de 120 pun? lately (their music is awesome sauce) as well as HNC (Hazel Nuts Chocolate , love them sm), I've been listening to some new trance/Eurobeat tunes, found a capsule song I've never heard before and now love, and I've been getting into more music genres! ^^
Love how this entry went from "I hate piano!" to "I've been a lot more into music lately" XD
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Suparabbit is listening to: God paints you transparently (?) (神様は君を透明に塗るんだ。) - Sandwich de 120pun?
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